Dad

Dad..?

I sit in a Hospice room next to my father. Just like a million daughters before me. But I haven’t spoken to my dad in years. Haven’t seen him in about ten. I do not want to be here. I left my kids and my home and my work in Florida. But they told me he was asking for me. So I came. I speak to him, hold his hand, feed him his dinner, adjust the oxygen, tell him about my kids and life. He never really seems to take in that it is me. I could be anyone.
Yet…here I sit.

Dad…?

My father is a sweet man. He had A TERRIBLE CHILDHOOD. Crap I do not even want to think about-terrible. He had dreams that never came true and found a woman who loved him just like his mother-through manipulation, guilt and obsession. He chose her over us-not meaning to, but he just didn’t know how not to do that. He lost his not-nice father very young and his mother lost her mind and he never really knew how to be a dad. Explanation-not an excuse.
Yet…here I sit.

Dad…?

People who don’t matter are making my brothers and sister crazy. There is drama and tears and self serving insanity and all sorts of shit that really is not OK when someone is dying. Dying should be peaceful-especially when you know it is coming. Get your shit together people. Put aside your anger at the world. We can dissect the why he made those choices after he is dead. Save your “Your Dad has been trying to tell you something for 20 years-Listen to him.” What the hell? Who are you? He knew where I was…breathe…let it go….
Yet, here I sit.

Dad…?

Strangers have been taking care of him and my step-mother for years. That’s OK. I didn’t want to do it. I am not good with crazy bullshit. I distanced myself because of my grandmother first, then because of my stepmother, then I moved away and physically distanced myself from the crazy-I never wanted to distance myself from my Dad, but I made that choice. OK, so…A couple of these strangers have his health power of attorney, signed as daughter and son-in-law. Really? Did you move 5 times before you were 10? Did the bankruptcy people take all your stuff? Did your parents divorce because your mom was sick of the never enough dreams and reality was easier to deal with if his dreams went to live somewhere else? REALLY? Screw all of you...stop...let it go...it doesn't matter...
Yet…here I sit.

Dad…?

All I want is for him to have peace. Peace and quiet he did not have in his life. I want the crazy folks to leave him alone. Quit making demands of him-take care of us, you need to, why can't you, why didn't you.... Just let him be. “Terminal Agitation”. He was going through all the motion of his regular work day. Making change, stocking his truck, even sneaking a snack. It was funny! People mistook it for fear or anger and it agitated THEM...he was just finishing up the business of living so he could take off at the end of the day. He would do it if we are here or not.
Yet…here I sit.

Dad…?

I sit next to him on a bright Ohio spring morning. I have my feet up reading a book and he is tranquil next to me. His truck is stocked, his customers taken care of. We are alone…quiet…serene. Just the two of us. He makes a sound like he is crying and I look over…

Dad…?

He has a tear falling down his cheek, eyes closed…

Dad..?

He exhales slowly…

Dad..?

He never inhales.

Dad…?

Daddy...?

Daddy…

Don't Touch

weekendwordsmith


She reached out. Then pulled back. Over and over. Never quite touching.
But never quite Not touching

Like the warning "It's Hot~It will burn" never quite got to her heart.

Oh, her brain heard, her soul heard, even her friends heard

But not her stupid heart. It just kept hearing "Go ahead, touch. Maybe it will be different this time. How bad can it hurt? "

Well,the answer to that question is "BADLY" And guess what...it hurts more every time you touch. As much as her heart wanted it to hurt less each time, it only hurt more. Despite the scar tissue from repeated burning, it just hurt more.

So, is it lesson finally learned? Or will she fall for the touch one more time?

Weeds

At first, I see only the bad
Chickweed in the collards, if you will
But then I look closely
and see a bit of beauty still

In the midst of all the turmoil
the ugly, the useless, the weeds
a little spark of something peeks
reminding me of the fertile seeds

So I hike up my thoughts and kneel down
pulling from our ground all those nasty things
starting over, smoothing our dirt
preparing our bed for Spring

When all the anger and hurt are bygones
the new life has room to grow
Stronger, better, protected from the Winter
Able to withstand the inevitable cold and snow

Daddy's Girl

http://threewordwednesday.wordpress.com/touching, visible, stage


She stood in the middle of the stage
Touching the edge of her tutu
Visible tremor in her lower lip
Looking for her Daddy

She stopped at the sign
Touching the brake pedal
Visible panic in her eyes
Looking at her Daddy

She walked across the stage
Touching her new diploma
Visible sign of relief on her face
Looking for her future

She danced with her new husband
Touching her Daddy's heart
Visible tear in his eye
Looking at his girl

She smiled from the hospital bed
Touching the tiny fingers
Visible smile shared with her Daddy
Looking at herself

Diet Coke with Lime

*from a seed planted by Weekend Wordsmith

Another Saturday Night at home. Alone. But it was OK. She had already been to dinner and a movie with friends and was just trying to push her brain into going to sleep. Sometimes Diet Coke-fueled insomnia was beat by reading, sometimes TV, even computer games. Tonight sleep inducing choice was a puzzle. She had just finished one with cows and green fields and a red barn and was staring at the puzzle piece left in her hand. "What the Hell?" she thought. The puzzle was complete ~finished~whole. Where did this piece of clear, cloudless blue sky come from?
Suddenly, the annoying sound of the IM on her computer broke into her musing. She ignored it and turned back to the puzzle. The computer refused to be ignored and "dinged" her again. She looked at it and did not recognize the name. Damn, she wished she had not signed up for that stupid online dating service. And even dumber, she had put her IM in her profile when she was all gung-ho about meeting someone. Just as she was about to close it out, a third message popped up.
Do you work on the fifth floor of the Hudson Building?
Who is this?
I was just looking on line at this dating service and I thought I recognized you.
CRAP!!!! she thought
WHO IS THIS!! Do I know you?
We have never met, but I work in the building sometimes.
Do you work for Marchall and Harvey?
No, I just noticed you. I have often walked by and listened to sound of your laughter when you are with your friends and thought about stopping, but I never had the nerve.
Ok, this guy is a freak....and a stalker
Listen...I don't know who you are..I'm out.
Wait!! don't sign off. Can I bring you coffee Monday and I'll just introduce myself. I'm a normal guy, I promise. I'll wear a blue tie so you'll know me.
Could this be any cornier? It was like a bad chick flick
OK, but I don't coffee, I Diet Coke with Lime :)
See you then.
Sleep was out of the question that night and the next. She had called a girl lunch and dissected this situation back~forward~up~down and her friends all agreed they had to find out who this crazy man was! She kept insisting she didn't care~she had two great kids, a job she loved, good friends~she had a full happy life! Why add an freaky, creepy unneeded piece to her puzzle? But in the end she acquiesced and even let her friends talk her into a new blouse for Monday.
She got to work and started in on the pile of work and tried her best to not think about the coffee guy. Her friends kept stopping by all morning to "help"her.
There's a guy on 3 with a blue tie.
The boss had on a blue tie today.
Old Mrs. Miller has on a blue scarf.
"GROSS!!! GO AWAY AND LEAVE ME ALONE!!! "
By the afternoon, nothing had happened. No guy with blue tie had stopped by, no coffee had appeared on her desk. She had had enough and was calling it quits. First she was going to stop by the break room and get her daily Diet Coke for the ride home.
She had her head down and was digging for change when she bumped into someone in the doorway. It was the soda machine guy. He was lifting a case of Diet Coke with one hand and had a lime in the other. Looped around his neck was a blue tie. The exact same shade of blue as the leftover puzzle piece from Saturday night . He smiled. Just a normal guy...
Two months later she was up late working on another puzzle. This time she did not work alone and every one of the sky blue pieces fit.

Romance

It was a long day, in the middle of a long week. She needed something~anything~to see her through. She decided she needed romancing. Knowing this wouldn't happen without a little nudging, a little direction, she set the stage. Candles in her favorite tropical scents, lit and placed strategically around the bathroom. Big fluffy towels, deliciously soft bathrobes hung on the hook. As she ran the womb-warm water in the tub built for two, she poured in a generous measure of the bath oils her darling had bought her last Valentine's Day~his favorite scent for her, both in and out of the tub. Quietly, so no one would wake up and burst her self-indulgent bubble, she slid in to the arms of the silky, scented water and sighed...Heavenly. She closed her eyes and gave into the multitude of sensations~all of her senses relaxed but alive. The smells, the lighting, the touch of warm water, bubbles, oil on her skin..she began to feel the anticipation build. She slid a rough loofah over her arms, legs, shoulders, then finally over her breasts, shivered. As the water cooled and the bubbles burst, she prepared for her partner in romance to join her. This was the moment she had waited for~the moment she really needed. She stood up, the bathwater running off her body and reaching for the shower massager, washed away both the glimmer of the oil and her need. As she stepped out of the bath, she dried off with the luxe towel, slid on a satin nighty and slipped into the embrace of the robe. She had been romanced and she was happy. In a cloud of the balmy scent of the oil, she padded into the bedroom and slid under the covers, knowing the aroma of his favorite scent would wake her husband and he would give her what she really needed to get through~love.