Saturday, January 19, 2008

Wallowing In It & Digging Out of It

I spent today wallowing . I didn't get dressed, I ate crap~and lots of it~all day. My mom came by and all I could think was "I wish she would just go away". I actually set out like an alcoholic to eat myself into a stupor last night. I went to the store, picked out what I wanted and methodically set out to eat. Why? Things have been going so well so long that I guess there had to be downside. This is the downside. A wasted, useless, calorie filled day~I sort of saw it coming. I have been feeling the vague discontent coming on for a while. Looking at real estate websites, checking for jobs on Monster, surfing dating sites, the hard bitch sneaking back out. But none of it means anything. I cannot leave here yet, I love my job, I am trying not to be a rag~what's going on? I guess what my grandma used to say is true~people do change just before your birthday. Mine is a month away and perhaps my self reflection is bubbling to the surface. Maybe the fact that I ate my way through a small African nation's food supply and I actually feel bad about it is a good sign. The fact that I recognize a wasted day is a positive step. And best of all, I have this place to write it down. A friend called to ask me to go out, and of course, I said no. She said she could tell I was not going to go out when she asked earlier in the day and wanted to know what was wrong. I told her I am wallowing and she asked why. When I couldn't tell her, she asked if I had written . That's when it dawned on me~I hadn't and not for several days. I need to write now. The idea that I can get it all out~and not for $125 for a 45 minute hour~ may be the thing that saves me from myself. So I am going to write more~mix a little fiction into my observational stuff, a little humor into my self reflection. With the help of my words, maybe next time I won't sink as low and the trip back to the surface will be shorter...

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