Wednesday, November 28, 2007

My Profile...

This is what I posted at one dating site. I really think it describes me pretty well. I am going to keep it and see what happens. Whadda ya think??

Well....let see. I am just looking for a "regular guy" kind of friend. Someone to hang out with, have dinner and a movie, a decent intelligent conversation, the requisite "walk on the beach". Someone who realizes my children are the best kids on the planet and will sit through baseball, basketball, marching band ,tennis, volleyball and lacrosse (yes there are just 2 kids)and cheer, joke and be silly with me. A guy who can appreciate my friends and all their issues. A person who understands a woman who likes both Miami Ink & Disney Channel TV Shows, all kinds of music from rock to R &B to 70's, classic American muscle cars, reads voraciously, loves Ohio State football, the Bengals and the Reds all equally and who will always cry if a movie/tv show/book/commercial is the slightest bit sad. I am quick witted, more than a little sarcastic and I will happily give my opinion-usually whether asked or not! I LOVE my job and cannot imagine doing anything else. I recently discovered what Heaven will be like: a chair on a porch on a beach house, with a cold Diet Coke, a plate of cheese and fruit, a brand new book and my kids frolicking in the waves close by (but not too close, they are teenagers ) It really was paradise! If I said anything intriguing, please write. I do not want to get married..I swear!!

Thursday, November 22, 2007

Hot boys in little Speedos

Last Saturday, I went to a "Smackdown". Yes, Wrestling. Not the Olympic kind, the Hulk Hogan kind. Why? To quote 15, "It's hot men in little Speedos, what's not to like?" I agreed ( she is, after all, her mother's daughter) , the Ex's Wife bought the tickets, so off we all went. By all, I mean 15, 13, Step-Sister, Half Brother, 3 of 15's friends and me...We borrowed Ex's giant SUV and drove to watch. Ex even threw in money for McD's~Ex can be OK now and then. The five girls range in age from 12-15 and all are totally cute. None of them are really deeply aware of it. 15 looks much older, but doesn't care. In the line at McD's, a couple of young men are staring at all my girls. One of them says to the other "I know it makes me a pervert, but I would hit any one of them." It took remarkable restraint, but I did not smack him in the mouth. It hit me that I cannot go around smacking men in the mouth ( or other vulnerable parts) for looking at/talking about my daughter. I want to wrap her in a plastic bag and put her on the shelf like my mom's Barbie collection so she never has to experience anything bad or sad. But reality check time~life involves good people and bad people and I have given her the tools to know the difference, so I walked away and everybody's teeth and male paraphernalia remained in place.
The boys in Speedos??? VERY HOT!!! I will not lie! The girl knows what she is talking about. Ain't NOTHING wrong with that!!!!

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

My Flabber is Gasted

I have not been a kid in many years. I'm sure I was both highly intelligent, curious and highly naive. I probably believed most of what my friends told me. But today 15 said something on the drive home that left me SPEECHLESS (those of you who know me can quit laughing now). "Mom, " she said, "Is it true that whenever there is an awkward silence in a conversation, a gay baby is born?" After about 10 seconds of stunned silence, I spat out "WHAT???" She then told me that someone said that today at school. I told her if it were true, we'd all be gay. The stuff kids come up with is hysterical. During her first week of middle school, a boy sat down at the lunch table and proceeded to make fun of the girls sitting there. He called them all stupid and supposed none of them knew what a condom, dildo or orgasm were. 15 (at 11), of course, had to ask me..again in the car while I hurtling through space at 45 miles per hour. My flabber was gasted that time, too. I began to explain each of them (I am one of those "ask and I will tell" moms). As soon as she got the gist, she would put her fingers in her ears and sing "LALALALALA", then tell me to answer the next one. If you think that wasn't fun, well then, you just ain't never had any fun!
Another fun car conversation: 13 (at 11) and me driving to a baseball tourney. He has the comics from the paper and is looking at a picture of a "hot chick"~ooo lala. He tells me how she is sexy.
Me: How do you knows she's sexy
Him: Cause I'm a sexy beast (rubbing his chest)
Him: And I get down with my bad self
Me: Choke, Sputter, laugh, choke, tears, sputter, choke, laugh
I think I am going to plant a tape recorder in my car. I could write a sitcom based on nothing but the conversations that take place while we drive all over Creation and back. I would be like Seinfeld, but instead of a New York apartment, it would be a 1992 Ford Taurus wagon. 15 and 13 are my sidekicks. Fat Dog could be our Kramer. Maybe ABC, NBC or CBS wouldn't buy it, but I bet the CW would pick it up.

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

21st Century Mom

I want to be Jane Jetson. Seriously. Aren't I now supposed to live in a floating space condo, have a hovercar, put my kids in tubes and send them anywhere, walk my dog on a treadmill, have a robot cook my meals? I was looking forward to it, damn it! Instead, I get this day. Up at 5:45, drop off 15 at 6:45, drop off 13 at 7:15, to school by 7:30. After school program at 3, pick up 15 from Drama at 5, pick up 13 from basketball at 5:15, eat at Taco Bell (BIG MISTAKE), Story time in the library from 6:30-7:30, home by 8. Let out crossed leg dog (thank you for having a giant bladder, Fat Dog), start laundry load 1. Watch NCIS, do laundry load 2, watch House, check e-mail while listening to a really funny guy on Comedy Central, update blog. I am a 21st Century Mom-I just don't have any of the gadgets! I really wanted the car that folded into a briefcase. But it would probably end up smashed down in the bottom of the case with my cell phone, gum, hair tie, jumpdrive, pen, debit card, and 2 weeks of receipts cause this was the check I was going to start keeping track of my money. It's really for the best, I guess. The poor car would end up wherever my mind is since I lost it. I have feeling that place is really scary!

Monday, November 12, 2007


Tonight, I am tired. Normally, I am an insomniac of professional proportions. Last night it was 1 am, up at 5:45, for example. But today, my ADD has failed me and I am bone weary as I sit here typing. I have no right to be this tired, but I am. My grandmother used to plant tobacco, by hand, acres of it. My mother worked 12 hour shifts at GM. They were tired. All I did all day was "school stuff". My brain, I think, is tired. My scattered, meandering, wandering mind has finally slowed down, come back home and said to the rest of me, "C'mon, just a little nap~She'll hardly miss us". They are right. I won't miss them. Or the re-runs of David Letterman (LOVE him) or the Kim Possible episode on at midnight. I think I might just go lay down and sleep for once. But first I have to read a few chapters....maybe a few loads of laundry...or the dishes...Sigh......Tonight, I am tired.

Sunday, November 11, 2007

Pastor P & God's Mysterious Ways

I was in church, singing and lifting my hand and worshiping when the thought popped in my head that I am such a Sunday Christian. I love church. I am born again, I believe most of the Bible, have issues with several points of theology v science, but over all I am there as a believer. I still cuss, love rock and roll, don't believe in street/TV evangelism, think gay people really don't have a choice in it, think abortion is between a person and herself. If asked, I tell what I believe, but never offer. I believe religion and spirituality are between you and God. You can hear Him if you listen.
Having said all that, after the singing, and before his real message, Pastor P says (and I paraphrase and infer here) " There is a difference between calling Jesus your Savior and calling him Lord. Savior says "Thanks for the forgiveness, I am going to go live my life now and see ya in Heaven". Lord says "Help me live my life the right way. Guide me everyday and be Lord of my life. You have to seek Me to find Me." Man, I really hate when He does that. It's like a special, silent bolt of lightening meant only for you. And Pastor P is an excellent conductor.
Pastor P also said today that you can have faith for the negative things as well as the positive. You can believe in fear and doubt as well as love and hope. He is right. I think I am going to stop having faith that bad things will happen, that I will always be alone, that I will never have enough money to pay my bills or get my kids through college and I will end up a bag lady when I am old. I am going to have faith in the good things. Love will always be and will come back when I really need it most whether it is a relationship, family, friends or my kids. My kids will go to college and have good lives and even if I have to rent a room at Claire's house, I will spend my later years with health, happiness and dignity. Thanks God~and Pastor P.

Saturday, November 10, 2007

Hope, Love and other nasty stuff

I have several friends divorcing or ending long term relationships. Even though it is painful for all, I can honestly say they are all making good choices for them. Some relationships have run out of feelings, some have too many toxic feelings~but they all need to end. It is painful, watching people you care about hurt. It is almost enough for this gal to think there is no hope. I have spent the last 10 years alone, focusing on licking my wounds and raising my children. Now I am thinking I am ready to go out and try it all again and I am afraid that with all these beautiful, talented, intelligent women out there...well, OK, I have self esteem issues! I heard Robert Downey Jr today say in an interview that you should never tell an addict there is always hope. They will continue self destructive behavior thinking "As long as there is hope, I don't have to change yet. I can go on, cause there's always hope I will get better". I guess I have to disagree about love. As long as there are men and women, we can always hope, that despite our self destructive behaviors, we can find someone who makes us happy, joyful and fulfilled. At least 75% of the time. Ask me later about the 75/25 rule.

Thursday, November 8, 2007

13 & 15

I have the 2 best kids on the planet-don't even argue-you won't win.
15 is an incredible girl. She was such a rotten toddler that I actually said to her at 3, "One of us will not make it until you are 18" and she agreed. At 5 she became this incredible creature~so wonderful it is scary~great grades, sax player, good sport, wannabe lawyer, writer, happy, grounded... WOW! So 15 is telling me about her cramps yesterday. She tells me how bad they are and then says, "I looked down and said Ok Uterus, knock it off. Bad Uterus, bad Uterus!" I thought I would seriously wet myself (I am 45 and have had 2 C Sections-it is always a possibility) How great is this kid! My very cool-for the 70's- mom still would have died if I had said that to her. I love and hate that today's kids feel they can say anything to an adult and get away with it. If they were all potential Saturday Night Live writers like mine, I would have much more tolerance.

13 is an almost stereotypical teenage boy. Jock, underachieving gifted slacker child who will go through life having jewels and panties thrown at him. His father's dead gay alcoholic psychic (I am not making this up) said he would invent something that would make him rich. I think it will have to be something soft and round since he is drawn to large breasts and has a tactile side that leads him to stoke satin, silk and sheepskin rugs. He is such a genuinely wonderfully loving child. He holds hands with me at the store, wants to sit on my lap. I have been talking about sex and the accompanying feelings with this boy because it is only a matter of time before his charm, sports ability and wit get him invited to sit on someone else's lap. Hopefully he will be rich because I think his taste will run to Playboy Bunnies and Maxim Models.
15 has inherited my sarcasm and 13 has inherited my inability to hide my emotions. God help them both!

My first

You know, I am not really a beige person. I have always thought of myself in terms of black and jewel tones-I used to say beige made me physically ill. So why do I suddenly own a half dozen pairs of khakis of varying lengths and styles? I blame it on the Gap phase of my life. I was working at Gap Kids (for the discount on toddler clothes) around the time of the Gap Khaki craze and I was brainwashed into believing all would be well if I just had khakis-I could SWING, baby! So I got a pair that I had to wear for promo purposes and 10 years later I wore beige 4 f'ing days this week to work~and no swinging at all. I also acquired my best friend (who wears khakis but wears them better than anyone I have ever seen) around that time at the same place. Now, she's getting ready to divorce for the second time during this same ten years and I can't even find someone to buy me dinner...Coincidence, I think not. Khaki=lonely-DEATH TO THE KHAKI PANTS! Bring back the black and jewel tones!