Saturday, December 29, 2007

When I grow up...

15 and I were driving the other day (yes~that is all I do) and she asked what I would be if I could be anything at all. I asked her the same question and our answers were the same: race car drivers. She would be probably be an Indy Car driver~fast, streamlined, just her and track. Or maybe a drag racer~head down and flat out. I, on the other hand, would like to be a stock car driver. Not today's NASCAR~pretty boys with all kinds of safety gear driving scientifically proven cars sponsored by big oil companies, big retail companies and big erection companies (sorry...couldn't help myself!) I would be the stock car driver of my ancestors~a moon shiner with a tank full of brew and something to prove. The thrill of speed, with a shot of jail time thrown in just to push the gas pedal down harder. Just me, my car and enough illegal booze to blow bits of my brain matter over into the next holler. If that isn't motivation to git there and git there quick, I don't know what is! It wouldn't only be about the thrill and the money. It would be about braggin' rights the next day as I put on my coal mining gear and headed down into the dark, dangerous places I had to go to feed my family. As I sat surrounded by dust, gases and millions of tons of rock all just waiting for the chance to take my life and tear apart my family, I would know that later that night...that county hussy Freedom would call. A fast car, a cool breeze and moonshine~both in my trunk and over my head~would carry me to a place no one ~not the revenuers, not the coal dust, not my wife and kids~could catch me.

A Weird Dream

I dream a lot. For a person who doesn't sleep, I spend the few hours I do sleep in a weird kind of cinema slumber. I inhabit my dreams like a director. I dream in full color, I can manipulate them, I can step in and out of them. I comment on the like a movie critic~while I am still in them. I am sure this is a sign of a deep psychosis, but so is most of my life!
So last night I had a very strange dream. I was on a trip with Ex. Not a romantic trip, just a trip. I pulled up to a store front, took my bags out of the car and waited for my friends to come by and pick me up. Did I mention my friends are all on bus, circling the parking lot, waiting for me? We are going on a trip, they are just waiting for me to get back from my trip with Ex. So I suddenly discover that I have NO SHOES! Not a single pair. Now, for a girl who owns several dozen pairs of shoes, this is a CRISIS! The store behind me, which happens to be a thrift store, is closing, but the lady takes pity on me and lets me in. I search through the hundreds of pairs they have, but none is the right one! I can find one shoe in the right size~its mate is missing, or I can find cute ones in the wrong size, or winter boots (which I don't need in Florida). I am seriously panicking because the girls are leaving without me. Finally, I find the right ones, pay and run outside~only to find the bus has left without me! I stand there sobbing, shoes in hand, all alone. Ex has left, too....I am truly alone
Your diagnosis, Dr. Freud?.... I got the good shoes, didn't I? Well, obviously I have abandonment issues. I wonder if I am worried that since I have no "man" in my life right now, my friends are going to leave me before I find someone to "go on the trip with me", if you will.. Now, my best friend has had one divorce and is working on a second since we met. Another friend has been in (and out then back in) a relationship for as long as we have been friends, others are married, divorcing, dating~all stages of relationship from first date through divorce through very long, happy marriages. All my friends are awesome and would never and have never left me alone because I don't have a man~what the f is this dream about??? I don't know...maybe the whole point I should be worrying about is that I went on one trip and was planning another without SHOES~another sure sign of psychosis!

Falling in Love

Writing is like falling in love. Not the "I now pronounce you husband and wife" kind, but the "OMG~he is so hot, do you he likes me? Will he ask me to the dance? Will he even notice me?" crush kind. When I first started this blog, I just thought it would be kinda fun to say "oh I have a blog". Now it is pretty much on my mind all the time! I am distracted by it~everything is blog material! I am underlining passages in books I am reading-collecting quotes-writing down the stuff my kids/friends/family say that might remotely turn into something I can write down here. I have little pieces of paper everywhere. I am distracted watching movies and TV. Like an obsession. I have even begun to feel like this might be something I could do for real~like maybe write a column or a book of "observations"....

The teenage crush part? Does this sound familiar? "OK, so Drifting is sooooohot! Have you seen him in his baseball uniform? I could just die! I walk by his locker like a million times a day. Do you think he notices? I would just die if he even smiled at me! I have that picture my friend on the yearbook staff gave me and I kiss it every night~kinda weird, huh? But I DON'T CARE! he's so cute! So what if I am failing Chemistry. Who could concentrate with Mr. Tight White Baseball pants sitting in front of me during lab? If we ever do go out, I would let him french me on the first date~I swear I would! And I wouldn't care what anyone says! Look~I wrote his name in my notebook. Drifting Divergence. Mrs. Drifting Divergence , Mr and Mrs Drifting Divergence. Don't you love the sound of it?

See? The parallels are uncanny! The thrill is in the unrequitedness of it all, tho. Like a crush, will the thrill be gone when I make it a real part of my life? Will D.D. become just another spitting, scratching boy jock like long line of others I have always been so attracted to~only to find fault and lose interest in once the crush is public? Do I let it get to second base?~Do I write some of these things in a fleshier form and submit them for publication? Do I risk rejection from that which I am convinced I cannot live without? Do I become Mrs. Drifting Divergence????

Sunday, December 23, 2007

Justifying the title of this blog...

My thoughts:

1. It is never a good idea to eat potato chips while listening to your iPod with the head phones on.
2. Despite my best efforts, my son is a testoterone fueled man-child! Even after grilled beast and potatoes, he won't shop with me.
3. You cannot make other people do what you want them to do, even if you know what is best for them.
4, Wishing and hoping for something does not make it so.
5. Alone time is as satisfying as together time~
6. #5 aside, I now know I will not be alone forever. There is someone out there for me. I just have to keep living my life, be open to new experiences and follow my gut. It will happen!
7. My children will be grown in 4 years. The very thought makes me verklempt.
8. I love Yiddish! I think that is the next language I will learn. Meshuggener is one of the best words ever. So is Bubeleh. It is such a warm word~So is Bubbee. So maybe I won't learn it, but I will slip more of it into my vernacular.
9. "Crash Into Me" is one is of the best love/sex songs EVER~
Hike up your skirt a little more And show your world to me"~WOW!!! Granted, a little creepy, but to be adored like that~even by a stalker :)
10. If all men treated women(OK~ and vice versa) like Toby Keith sings about in "Rock You Baby", there would be no divorce.
11. I heard a description today of the perfect man for me: Spartan Peter Pan. A manly-man, tough, take charge warrior with a silly childish side. Any out there? Yep, there are :)
12. All women are 14 year old girls, all men are 13 year old boys. It's the truth. Look around at the people you know~you know it's true.
13. Sing along out loud~ it's always fun!
14. My kids are seriously attractive people~inside and out!
15. We all need to be good to each other. The world is a VERY small place and you never know who knows who.
16. Spinning around in a chair while staring at the ceiling will always make you laugh! And dizzy~much faster than it used to..must be middle age crap..but it is still fun!
17. Surround yourself with good people. Trust me on this one. Life is too short to waste it on people who bring you grief and heartache or bore you.
18. Riding in a convertible makes you 17 again.
19. And finally...everyone in the world is an idiot but me!
If you don't think that is funny, you need to spin around in a chair a couple of times and get your joy back :)
I wish peace, love and joy for all of you this Christmas. May you receive exactly what makes your heart sing in 2008!

Thursday, December 20, 2007

Love is silly

I read a great quote today while oohing and aahing over unbelievably cute pictures of puppies.
Anyone can be passionate, but it takes real lovers to be silly~Rose Franken
I don't think truer words have ever been spoken. I know the whole "love is patient, love is kind...blah blah. Give me laughing and goofy and spontaneous. A man who will walk in the rain and paint my toenails and ride a roller coaster will come closer to evoking passion than one with roses and poetry..But I still like Jewelry (I am a girl!) This extends to all my relationships, too. People who will joke and carry on when things are good are most likely the ones who will have your back when things are tough. We bond over humor. It carries you from day to day and gives you a reason to face another day...and plot revenge. You know who you are, Mr's dead snake and fake alligator~vengeance will be mine! Car rider line is easier to bear with playful banter over the radios and leadership meetings are much more fun when we can insult each other! If we had stuffy, boring meetings, I wouldn't feel nearly the way I do about the team of awesome people I work with.
My friends and family are the biggest bunch of goofballs I know~that's just the way I like 'em! I have told many stories about my kids and my friends. Sometimes I just see them and smile, knowing I am going to have FUN with these people. Even in bad times, humor is the one constant~
after all "Laughter through tears is my favorite emotion" said a wise woman. Now, I am not a maniac crazy person, I have a very serious side. I am professional and I know proper decorum when it is demanded. But I am basically a very happy-and yes, silly-person and it makes my life so much better!

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

I Love Being a Girl!

I love shoes and purses~~SERIOUSLY love. No matter what size I may be, a really good fitting skirt makes my legs look GREAT! The power that comes with knowing awesome high heels will bring any man to his knees. I love the idea that I can be sexy and it doesn't matter what my abs look like or if I have all my hair or if I am under 30~all women have that ability! I love getting doors opened for me, I love good hair days, I love dancing in the rain with my kids. I love that fact that I gave birth to my children~even if it took a surgeon to help me! I loved nursing both those children in the quiet of the night all alone, just the two of us. I love that women can just be together and eat and talk and drink wine and giggle and cry and carry on and bitch and brag. I love that I can cry anytime I want. Just tonight my daughter and I were sobbing in the car because the "Christmas Shoes" song came on the radio~how anyone can listen to that song and not lose it is beyond me. I love that I can laugh anytime I want. Like when I am alone in the car listening to Bob & Tom or like at the greeting card section trying to pick out a birthday card~all alone~it's a wonder I am not arrested. I love that your girlfriends will love the man you love when you love him and hate him when you hate him and love him again~all in the same day. I can love the Buckeyes & baseball, museums, AC/DC, sleazy romance novels, Toughman competitions and cool jewelery-all at the same time! I can take a book to lunch and eat by myself and everyone thinks I am strong and full of self esteem-not a lonely loser. But what I love the most is that I can occasionally ~totally and completely spontaneously ~do something that a man my age (or any man for that matter) cannot. I went to dinner with a wonderful group of friends the other night. We laughed, ate, exchanged Christmas Ornaments, laughed some more and had a really nice time. When we left the restaurant, a band was playing in the bar next door and a friend and I broke into dance~separately, but at the same time. Now, I am as graceful as a hippo in a tutu~not those cute ones from Fantasia but real hippos. But it was so fun and freeing to do a couple of spins in front of a very fancy restaurant in a very fancy shopping center and have no one think I had gone off the deep end.. If a man had done that, someone would have broken out the Breathalyzer! That's the best thing of all. Crazy men are creepy and to be avoided~Crazy women are endearing and to be indulged :)

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Grief Stricken

I had a witty blog all planned about my "reverse anorexia" and the funny thing my son said and I came up with a list "observations" I want to address, but tonight my heart hurts to much. A very good friend has finally realized the end of a relationship and it is UGLY, my friends. I firmly believe this man she has been involved with is mentally ill and needs some serious help. But right now, despite the fact that his insanity has never directly affected me, I don't give a flying rat's ass for that man. Someone good has had her heart firmly crushed into a million pieces, just like the physical destruction he has left behind. This woman is so caring, kind and generous that what he has done to her should be a crime. He is getting vindictive and mean and all I keep thinking is "please do not blame yourself.." but I know she does. She has tried so hard to help this man be the person she knows he can be. Part of the obsession he has with her is because he recognizes, on a deep, primal level, that very fact. She was his lifeline and now HE has cut it and that hurts and he is swinging for his life, not at all caring about taking her down with him.
How thin is the line between love and hate? When do you know that love is not enough? How can you call someone and say over and over that you love them and want to marry them and build a life and then do everything possible to ensure that very thing never happens? How can you spend a wonderful evening, walk on a beach , holding hands, watching the sunset and later that day call your love the most vile word you can call a woman? You can blame alcohol, your past , your health...whatever you want. She has had her moments of lashing out, too. They play like gasoline and fire. But repeatedly hurting someone is not acceptable. I really don't have real way of wrapping this up and I don't know where I am going with it~my head is spinning and I feel helpless...
..please God, wrap them both in your comfort. Please make sure that he comes to his senses and does not choose to do anything harmful to her. I suppose I should also pray that he does not do anything to himself, but right not I don't care. I will ask it anyway, because he has a family that loves him and needs him. Please help her to forgive herself for this choice and the part she has played in this downward spiral. Place the tools he needs to recover his true self close at hand and give him the wisdom to use them. Please, Father, bring them both the peace that only you can give and the forgiveness you grant when we ask for it from our hearts. Amen

Sunday, December 9, 2007

The 75/25 Rule

I feel we know each other well enough that I can share my life philosophy with you. I call it the "75/25 Rule" and it goes like this. As long as you are happy, joyful, and fulfilled 75% of the time, you are doing great in this life. Think about it this way: You go to SuperTarget (otherwise known as the Mothership). You get groceries, the produce is fresh, the prices are good. You hit the clearance racks, pick up a little something new for a really good price, find a rug that is the perfect color for your living room, a funny card, some great shoes. It takes about 45 minutes and you are feeling good, girl! You head for the checkout...and I mean THE checkout. There is only one and the line is long!! It takes 15 minutes to get out of the store. Your ice is melted, your milk is warm and you ate half a bag of M & M's in line. This sucks!!! Do you let the 15 minutes rule your life, or the 45? If it is the 45, then you get it! Life will not always be perfect, but as long as you have M & M's, bargain clothes and great shoes, you are living right. If you let the 15 win, then you need to rethink things. Why should one bad portion of your day make you yell at dogs and kick small children for the rest of the day?
Now, I am not Little Miss Mary Sunshine or Debbie Downer. If your life is an experience in misery most of the time or if you are pooping rainbows all the time, you need therapy and medication to live here in the real world with the rest of us. And let's face it, some days it is all "sunshine and light and laughter" good and some days it is "stick your head in the oven " bad. But if over the course of your 100 years on the planet, you get 75 good ones and 25 bad ones, you have done all right for yourself. I am in an 80/20 place right now...think I 'll buy a lottery ticket :)

Thursday, December 6, 2007

A Turning Point

I was moved to tears. Not the usual hot tears of frustration, or an automatic girly~mom reaction to TV grief, sadness or happiness. A real, "honest to God" visceral reaction, moved to tears by the beauty of something bigger than me. I was on a stretch of beach that was a testament to how much God loves us. I was completely alone with this amazing piece of nature. Nothing but me, the birds, the fish, shells with the creatures still in them moving all over the sand and in the shallow water. Not a single man made sound~just fish jumping, birds calling, bugs buzzing. I was stopped in my tracks by it. I wanted to go and lay down in the shallow water and let it swallow me. Instead I stood stock still, closed my eyes, thanked Him for this moment. When I opened my eyes, I realized I had tears streaming down my face. I also~at THAT moment, realized I have let myself become hard. I was always the soft, forgiving one. Now I am the harsh unforgiving one. I don't like it. That moment taught me I am part of something bigger and if I stop, close my eyes and open my heart, beauty will come back into it. Softness will come back in. Forgiveness will come back to me. Tonight, I am again moved to tears. The tears of a woman who has forgiven herself and knows she has been forgiven.