So I was driving home from Ohio with a miserable case of the "WTF-a cold". My nose was running so bad that I had to stick a wadded up tissue up it to keep the grossness from dribbling down my face. I had lip gloss on my nostril because in two hours it got so red and irritated that it was bleeding. I was in a GREAT PLACE! So I got in the left lane and began to nurse a much deserved (IMHO) case of road rage. I called people names-screamed how much I hate EVERYONE in OH, KY and GA, I ranted against Detroit and Japan, with Germany and Great Britain thrown in for good measure-I even flipped off a person or two. My radio ADD was out of control because the mountains of GA have a lovely selection of old Country, new country, Bluegrass, and old tyme PREACHERS-all of which I normally like, but not in this mood! Even Nice Cold Fountain Diet Cokes and a large assortment of road food couldn't make me feel better. I drove 12 hours and stayed at a delightful little Motel 6 in Tifton, GA., slept like a dead person, got up in the am to fog so thick I couldn't see myself...Another great day! I stuffed more tissue up my nose, cranked my iPod (I forgot it in my snotty haze) and put the pedal to the metal. I sreamed at more stupid people, ranted about major highways having only 2 lanes, drank 6 or 8 Diet Cokes. Then my cold medicine kicked in and I began to lighten up-and take pictures of the beautiful scenery-while I was hurtling 85 mph on I-75. It was after my camera batteries died and I was bored with iPod tunes and I had crossed into the land of the WORLD'S WORST DRIVERS-Florida-that I came up with the LibraryGirl Lane (LGL) idea. (BTW-I suggest that Prez Obama put all kinds of people to work making EVERY major highway in America a minimumof 3 lanes-seriously)
A lane (to be know as LGL) shall be placed down the middle of the median for MY personal use. I will allow a select few to join me there. You just have to follow a few rules...and pass a couple of tests.
1. All users of the LGL must pass an IQ test. Seriously...a simple IQ test.
EX Q1: What 2 numbers are on the white sign that says SPEED LIMIT?
EX Q2: What is the shiny object attached to your windshield?
2. All users of the LGL must pass a driving test.
EX Q1: Name the 2 pedals under your feet.
Only Acceptable answer: There are 2 pedals? I only know the one that makes the car go FASTER
EX Q2: Assuming you know what that shiny thing attached to your windshield is, what do you do when you see another vehicle in it?
Only Acceptable answer: Get the hell out of the way!
3. Any vehicle pulling ANYTHING will be banned from the LGL.
4. All RVs will be outfitted with a special sensor and if they pass the white line into the LGL...they will EXPLODE!!!
5. I will grant special privileges to a select few along the road who exhibit exemplary driving skills. Like the little Honda who impressed me with his ability to use an EMPTY RIGHT LANE to pass all the PITAs who had parked themselves in the left lane to go EXACTLY 70 mph!!!!!!!
I bow down to your skills, young LG Driver-in-training and welcome you to the LGL. Come on over, set the cruise on 85 and enjoy life with out dumb asses.
So if you think you can hang with LG, come take the tests. If you pass, you will get a special front license plate that says "LEAD FOLLOW or GET OUT of the WAY!" and a bumper sticker with your favorite cartoon character flipping off the guy behind you.