Longing

Eavesdropper
Under a Full Miami moon
I sit eyes closed
Listening to the waves make love to the sand
Thrusting and crashing and then
sweet whispered sigh of release
as the waves climax and
the sand welcomes the surrender of her spent lover

Voyeur
I move belly down
over the dune
transfixed on the secret ritual of the ocean and shore
I inch closer
hoping to be welcomed in
They tease me
touching gently in invitation
then pulling back laughing
knowing this eternal dance
is meant
just for two...

Dead Man's Float

Face Down
All loose limbs and little bubbles
Heartbeat in my ears
Complete relaxation

Face Up
Tighter harder to control
Sun in my eyes
Weightless and tense

Flip over
Limpid and boneless
Part of the surface
Longing for Oneness

Deep Breathe
Contact Broken
Dead Men can float
Live Women must swim...

The Dance

I need to dance

I can feel it in my blood
the bubbling
the urge

Not a swirly girly princess at the ball dance

I need a throwdown
the thumping beat
the pulsating light

Not a toe-tapping cowboy in the saloon dance

I need a free-for-all
the sweaty dance floor
the top of a table

Not a middle aged librarian at the oldies bar dance

I need some dirty dancing
the grind of my hips
the complete lack of inhibition

And a whole lotta tequila

Dad

Dad..?

I sit in a Hospice room next to my father. Just like a million daughters before me. But I haven’t spoken to my dad in years. Haven’t seen him in about ten. I do not want to be here. I left my kids and my home and my work in Florida. But they told me he was asking for me. So I came. I speak to him, hold his hand, feed him his dinner, adjust the oxygen, tell him about my kids and life. He never really seems to take in that it is me. I could be anyone.
Yet…here I sit.

Dad…?

My father is a sweet man. He had A TERRIBLE CHILDHOOD. Crap I do not even want to think about-terrible. He had dreams that never came true and found a woman who loved him just like his mother-through manipulation, guilt and obsession. He chose her over us-not meaning to, but he just didn’t know how not to do that. He lost his not-nice father very young and his mother lost her mind and he never really knew how to be a dad. Explanation-not an excuse.
Yet…here I sit.

Dad…?

People who don’t matter are making my brothers and sister crazy. There is drama and tears and self serving insanity and all sorts of shit that really is not OK when someone is dying. Dying should be peaceful-especially when you know it is coming. Get your shit together people. Put aside your anger at the world. We can dissect the why he made those choices after he is dead. Save your “Your Dad has been trying to tell you something for 20 years-Listen to him.” What the hell? Who are you? He knew where I was…breathe…let it go….
Yet, here I sit.

Dad…?

Strangers have been taking care of him and my step-mother for years. That’s OK. I didn’t want to do it. I am not good with crazy bullshit. I distanced myself because of my grandmother first, then because of my stepmother, then I moved away and physically distanced myself from the crazy-I never wanted to distance myself from my Dad, but I made that choice. OK, so…A couple of these strangers have his health power of attorney, signed as daughter and son-in-law. Really? Did you move 5 times before you were 10? Did the bankruptcy people take all your stuff? Did your parents divorce because your mom was sick of the never enough dreams and reality was easier to deal with if his dreams went to live somewhere else? REALLY? Screw all of you...stop...let it go...it doesn't matter...
Yet…here I sit.

Dad…?

All I want is for him to have peace. Peace and quiet he did not have in his life. I want the crazy folks to leave him alone. Quit making demands of him-take care of us, you need to, why can't you, why didn't you.... Just let him be. “Terminal Agitation”. He was going through all the motion of his regular work day. Making change, stocking his truck, even sneaking a snack. It was funny! People mistook it for fear or anger and it agitated THEM...he was just finishing up the business of living so he could take off at the end of the day. He would do it if we are here or not.
Yet…here I sit.

Dad…?

I sit next to him on a bright Ohio spring morning. I have my feet up reading a book and he is tranquil next to me. His truck is stocked, his customers taken care of. We are alone…quiet…serene. Just the two of us. He makes a sound like he is crying and I look over…

Dad…?

He has a tear falling down his cheek, eyes closed…

Dad..?

He exhales slowly…

Dad..?

He never inhales.

Dad…?

Daddy...?

Daddy…

Cracked

Yesterday
I Cracked


After Pounded

By

Attitudes
Ignorance
Disregard
Apathy
Narcissism
Disrespect

I Cracked


Out Gushed

My

Anger
Resentment
Sarcasm
Contempt
Stress
Irritation

I Cracked


So Overwhelmed

With

Shame
Embarrassment
Mortification
Consternation
Dismay
Chagrin

I Breathed


Today
I healed

Potluck~

So...

I am popping popcorn (like every Friday am) when I hear screaming down the hall where the kids sit before school starts (it is early, maybe 7:30 am).

"They are fighting, They are fighting!"

"What is going on here?" {in my best principal in training voice}

"They were fighting and SHE (pointing a Kindergarten student) used the F WORD!"

"Both of you, with me-You {pointing at most reliable tattletale in the mix} come and tell me the story."

stay with me..this is where it gets good...

"OK, OK, OK, so, She (the k kid) was messing with the big kid's brother. The big kid ( a 2nd grader) says stop it and leave him alone. The little kid walked up, said "Oh yeah, well you are a FAT F@*& and then flicked the big kid in the forehead. The big kid slapped her."

OK...breath in...breath out...{remain in principal in training voice}

Yelled at the slapper (who really just pushed her on the arm), wrote up the flicker, popped popcorn.

The insult to injury was the forehead flick..I would have slapped her too!

Peanut Butter Crackers
5 (yes 5) flash drives
12 pens
a quarter

blah...blah...assessment..blah
tests...blah...blah
tears, deadlines...blah, blah
Grade....93.9%

yes it is that small on purpose...

The Bloggess

She is some serious funny...if you like that sort of thing
(not safe for work...or really human eyes)


Blog Hoppin'
YOU ARE NEXT :)

Thanks to June Cleaver Nirvana

Bored...

I am bored-God forbid I clean or write or do home work!  SO....

4 shows I like to watch:
1. Big Bang Theory
2. NCIS
3. How I Met Your Mother
4. Man v Food (it's like a train wreck-I have to watch!)

4 things I am passionate about:
1. My Kids
2. Reading
3. My family/friends
4. The Beach

4 phrases I say a lot:
1. REALLY?
2. Not so much
3. F#*&
4. So...


4 things I have learned, or am learning:
1. Smile and say Hi to everyone you can everyday
2. I do not need an A on everything (ok...this is a work in progress)
3. Holding on to a grudge is hard work
4. Sit Still and Breathe~Let God do His Work

4 places I would like to go:
1. Ireland
2. Australia
3. Grand Canyon
4. Any Beach, any time

4 things I did yesterday:
1. Dishes
2. Laundry
3. Homework
4. Yelled at kids

4 things I am looking forward to:
1. End of the school year
2. Lindy's Senior Year
3. 30th High School Reunion
4. Finishing my Master's Degree

4 things on my wish list:
1. My own Home
2. Money for the kid's college education
3. Happiness for my kids
4. Retire with my health and some $$

4 people I tag:
1. Lee
2. Renee
3.All of Facebook
4. ll of Blogger :)

Sigh....

It is Friday of Spring Break. 16 went away to play baseball in Orlando, 17 worked and stayed at her dad's...Old Man Dog (he is no longer Fat Dog, he is now Old Man-he sits on his favorite chair all day, farts and ignores us!) and I hung here. I went to the pool twice, ignored the crap I needed to do around the house and took naps. It was so unproductive-but so what I needed! Gaze upon the sight and be jealous!

Happy's Place
Sleazy Romance Novel and Strawberry Margarita poolside

BFF's place
Coastal Living and Crystal Light poolside

And since I cannot be happy unless I post a picture of my feet, here is today's awesomeness!

LibraryGirl's Awesome Feet

The Baby Bro and his fam are coming down, the kids are back in school, 16 has a tourney all week, 17 is studying for the SAT and I am headed back to work and grad school. Life goes on-faster and faster. I need to somehow slow the rotation of the planet so I can remember to savor these moments. I am grateful my kids are so awesome, that they will hug and kiss and call me and ask for my advice and tell me all about their lives. But the time is coming that I just will not be physically close enough to look in their eyes and talk to them. I won't be able to hug and kiss them and yell and scream and all the stuff Moms do. So as much as I really truly madly deeply enjoyed my alone time this week, I look forward to getting back to normal~my normal for the next 2 1/2 years, anyway.

Then~I need to find a way to finance my new sit-by-the-pool-and-read lifestyle-cause Momma can rock that!