Nekkid Chilluns and Dirt

What do you get when you cross a Northern-Southerner/ Baptist churched/barefoot Ohio girl with a slightly uptight/Non-practicing Jew/ Boston born/shoes ALWAYS on guy and throw them deep in Florida on 2 1/2 acres and then give them Cracker babies????

16 and 15-the two best-if slightly confused-Cracker babies on the planet, that's what!
16 (to quote myself) walks the fine line between JAP and Southern Belle~what she can't get by eyelash batting and sweetness she gets by bitchin' and screamin'. She is all for Redneck Cracker fun-4 wheelers, horses, football on the front lawn-as long as there is no actual sweating involved.
15 is a dude's dude. Give him a motor, ball, stick, dog and/or gun (his new goal in life is to learn to shoot-my grandfather would be so ashamed that he hasn't killed a live creature at his age) and he is HAPPY!

Just how confused are these little babies ?
Favorite Sports Teams: Boston Red Sox, New England Patriots, Ohio State Buckeyes, Kentucky Wildcats.
Most hated Sports Team: Florida Gators
15's Top Three College wishlist: Ohio State, Boston College, University of Kentucky
16's Life Goal: To be a SOUTHERN EDUCATED LAWYER! OMG!!!

Their Uncle D was once told me he was afraid they would grow up to be Southerners and never wear any shoes-well, duh-but I did him one better and not only did they not wear shoes, they didn't wear clothes! I looked in my photos albums (ok, shoeboxes and drawers) and realized until we moved into "the city" my young'uns never wore clothes. All of my pictures are of nekkid chilluns! Nekkid in the dirt, nekkid eating popsicles, nekkid dancing in the rain. Nekkid, Nekkid, nekkid...How did these pictures get processed without a cop showing up at my door? All would have been explained, 'cause they would have greeted him...NEKKID!

And Dirty. My kids were always dirty. 15 Liked to suck on rocks until the dirt was gone and then spit them out. 16 liked mud. (WAIT!!! I just figured out how she is going to pay for law school: reminder: look up average pay for naked mud wrestlers) Give my two dirt, water and nekkid and all was right in the universe.

So, my redneck mommy moment comes when they were 2 and 3. They were nekkid, dirty and swinging on the swingset in our FRONT yard when a friend of ours stops by. He pulled up, said Hi to the kids, chatted with me, asked for Ex (then Current) and left when he wasn't home. Didn't mention or even notice that both my kids were NEKKID AND DIRTY ON A SWINGSET IN THE FRONT YARD!

That day, I made my redneck KIN PROUD! And I could hear the Boston Kin rolling in their graves...

You gotta pick your friends better

Actual phone call during my actual working day...


Elementary School Media Center
this is Corporal X at 16's High School. I have pictures of her smoking pot from her MySpace page.
My daughter??? 16???
Yes ma'am. Other students identified her as 16. I just wanted to call you before I called her down.
Well, I don't think it is her. I see her everyday by 6 pm and I have never seen her high (and I would know what high looks like :) I pretty much know where she is everyday~she runs errands for her Dad after school for gas money~I am not naive but I am pretty sure she has never smoked pot and I know she doesn't have a MySpace page.
Well, the pictures are a little out of focus but we can see her peace sign necklace...
16 doesn't wear necklaces~hates them.
Well, I'll call you after I talk to her.
OK, but can I ask you to please be gentle. She will fall to pieces.
I am NOT going to hurt her!
I know, but she is very sensitive. She will be come very upset if she thinks you think she is doing something bad and cry when you question her, so just be ready.

10 minutes later...much pacing and a freaked out phone call to Ex...

Elementary School Media Center
(Hysterical sobbing in the background)
This is Corporal...honey it's OK. It was Not 16, it was her friend. Baby, it's gonna be OK. I don't know why she's so upset. As soon as she walked in the room I realized I know 16 and it was not her and I told her but...don't cry, it's ok...
I'll talk to her when she gets home
OK, don't cry 16...
CLICK

16 has been the brunt of two actions by this friend. Last week the same friend yelled F@%K You! to her ex-boyfriend's mother ~my next door neighbor~and the mom didn't see the friend, only 16. She yelled at 16, then she yelled at me! Now, I haven't been yelled at by a mom in a long time. Especially for something I didn't do! 16 and I had a chat after that and I know that will never happen again.

I am sorry kids, but what all moms say is true. You have to pick your friends carefully and you ARE judged by those friends and their actions. Is it fair, No. Is is it true~YES! 16 doesn't want to lose this friend and I understand that, but changes have to be made. This child has posted pictures of herself on the Internet doing something illegal. They will be there FOREVER. The thing that really bothered me was that whoever the person who identified 16 in the picture was actually thought she would do that. I tried to express that to 16, but she just swears all her real friends know she won't smoke pot and all those other people don't matter. Yes they do sugar plum fairy, yes they do...as will all the college admissions people, job recruiters, future spouses~anyone who tries to look up 16's friend will be able to find those pictures. Childhood and teenage rebellion has been forever changed by the Internet. THANK GOD is wasn't there when I was growing up...Thank God!

25 random things

If you are not my Facebook Friend (why aren't you?) here are my 25 random things...

1. I love to read-books, magazines, cereal boxes, newspapers..love them all!
2. I have the two best kids on the planet
3. I have never been married
4. I once visited the Playboy Club in Chicago-underage :)
5. Everything about the game of baseball is good. I love Ohio State Football, Everblades Hockey, not a big basketball fan.
6. I think the sexiest part of a man's body are his arms and hands. I know I am supposed to say his brain, but seriously...biceps...forearms...hands...Seriously.
7. I am a proud Democrat-but a moderate one.
8. I speak to God all day long~but only do a "Dear Heavenly Father" prayer at bedtime~He hears me either way. I am a "trying my hardest everyday" Christian
9. I would like to take photographs of the sky-day and night. I try, but my camera never seems to capture what my heart and mind see when I look up.
10. I really do like to cuss~it's ^&*@ bad!!!!!
11. Fountain Diet Coke is my Starbucks but any Diet Coke will do! McDonald's French Fries are my favorite food (I have never met a potato I didn't like)
12. I have always had good friends, but I have deeper friendships as an adult than I had as a teenager. They sustain me in ways I hope they know because I never seem to express it.
13. I want to write so badly some days it actually stops my in my tracks. I don't think I have a novel, but I definitely think I could be a columnist or an essayist.
14. I am the world's worst procrastinator
15. I am the world's worst housekeeper but I do really good laundry.
16. While I appreciate speed in all it's forms, American Muscle cars are the best-GT, Barracuda, Charger, Challenger, Mustang, Camaro, Firebird, Chevelle, Road Runner and the BEST of all-any Corvette-from the beautiful yet crappy 53 till today. A new Corvette would be my first purchase after I win the Lottery. I have owned both a Nova and an Impala~the rumble of a big block, high horse power engine makes me tingly~talk Hemi and 442 to me, baby! Even my 1990 Camaro ROCKED!
17. If I had the money, I would never leave college. I hope someday to be Dr. Ashley.
18. My blog: driftingdiverence.blogspot.com
19. I want to travel the world someday-Ireland and New Zealand call to me.
20. I consider myself a Northern Southerner~I am a first generation Yankee (Buckeye). I walk the Mason Dixon line, but my soul is Southern. I wish I had been born in the Deep South and I intend to always make the South my home base. My heart lies in Eastern Kentucky
21. Water calms my soul. The Beach is one of God's greatest gifts. Lakes, creeks, ponds~all good. I love rain and thunderstorms.
22. I will always believe in the Good. Once I am hurt, it is hard for me to forget-I always forgive, but rarely forget. But everybody gets more than one chance-cause I always believe in the Good!
23. I LOVE SHOES!!! ...But I really don't like to wear them and I CANNOT drive with my shoes on.
24. I love dogs. I will probably end up an old "dog lady" like you see on TV, crying cause they are taking my 10 dogs away.
25. My three hopes for my children: work that fulfills them, children that give them they joy they give me everyday and a Happy 50th Wedding Anniversary with the love of their life.

14 is 15

well, 14 is now 15.  He is going to be such a good man-a great husband and father.  His heart is so good and he is such a warm soul.  I totally believe he will end up coaching baseball-he loves the game-not just the playing, but the game itself.  I don't think 16 will have kids, but 15 will give me more than enough grandbabies!  He will be the dad with the van or the truck, hauling kids and dogs and sports stuff, with a cooler full of juice and always room for one more. But first-he has to get his license~oh God, two teenage drivers in m y house~pray for me ya'll :)

Life in the "LibraryGirl" Lane

So I was driving home from Ohio with a miserable case of the "WTF-a cold". My nose was running so bad that I had to stick a wadded up tissue up it to keep the grossness from dribbling down my face. I had lip gloss on my nostril because in two hours it got so red and irritated that it was bleeding. I was in a GREAT PLACE! So I got in the left lane and began to nurse a much deserved (IMHO) case of road rage. I called people names-screamed how much I hate EVERYONE in OH, KY and GA, I ranted against Detroit and Japan, with Germany and Great Britain thrown in for good measure-I even flipped off a person or two. My radio ADD was out of control because the mountains of GA have a lovely selection of old Country, new country, Bluegrass, and old tyme PREACHERS-all of which I normally like, but not in this mood! Even Nice Cold Fountain Diet Cokes and a large assortment of road food couldn't make me feel better. I drove 12 hours and stayed at a delightful little Motel 6 in Tifton, GA., slept like a dead person, got up in the am to fog so thick I couldn't see myself...Another great day! I stuffed more tissue up my nose, cranked my iPod (I forgot it in my snotty haze) and put the pedal to the metal. I sreamed at more stupid people, ranted about major highways having only 2 lanes, drank 6 or 8 Diet Cokes. Then my cold medicine kicked in and I began to lighten up-and take pictures of the beautiful scenery-while I was hurtling 85 mph on I-75. It was after my camera batteries died and I was bored with iPod tunes and I had crossed into the land of the WORLD'S WORST DRIVERS-Florida-that I came up with the LibraryGirl Lane (LGL) idea. (BTW-I suggest that Prez Obama put all kinds of people to work making EVERY major highway in America a minimumof 3 lanes-seriously)

THE PLAN
A lane (to be know as LGL) shall be placed down the middle of the median for MY personal use. I will allow a select few to join me there. You just have to follow a few rules...and pass a couple of tests.
1. All users of the LGL must pass an IQ test. Seriously...a simple IQ test.
EX Q1: What 2 numbers are on the white sign that says SPEED LIMIT?
EX Q2: What is the shiny object attached to your windshield?
2. All users of the LGL must pass a driving test.
EX Q1: Name the 2 pedals under your feet.
Only Acceptable answer: There are 2 pedals? I only know the one that makes the car go FASTER
EX Q2: Assuming you know what that shiny thing attached to your windshield is, what do you do when you see another vehicle in it?
Only Acceptable answer: Get the hell out of the way!
3. Any vehicle pulling ANYTHING will be banned from the LGL.
4. All RVs will be outfitted with a special sensor and if they pass the white line into the LGL...they will EXPLODE!!!
5. I will grant special privileges to a select few along the road who exhibit exemplary driving skills. Like the little Honda who impressed me with his ability to use an EMPTY RIGHT LANE to pass all the PITAs who had parked themselves in the left lane to go EXACTLY 70 mph!!!!!!!
I bow down to your skills, young LG Driver-in-training and welcome you to the LGL. Come on over, set the cruise on 85 and enjoy life with out dumb asses.

So if you think you can hang with LG, come take the tests. If you pass, you will get a special front license plate that says "LEAD FOLLOW or GET OUT of the WAY!" and a bumper sticker with your favorite cartoon character flipping off the guy behind you.

The Happiest of all Holidays

We are on our way to Ohio~my niece is getting married! We are leaving the warmth of our Florida home to go to the warmth of many bro/sis homes. I bitch and moan about the cold, but I really never feel like it is Christmas until my nose is frozen and running and my fingers are numb and I see lights through snow.I get to see my Grandma, who is 88 and starting chemo on Tuesday~please God, I know you have been waiting to bring this angel home for a long time~she is an amazing woman~but can't we have her for a while longer?
So, we are packing up the little Cobalt and heading North. We are safe, warm, happy, not totally broke, growing, learning, living, loving...How could life be better...only if you are the same! May God bless you and keep you~just like He does me everyday~and have a great Christmas, Happy New Year, Happy Hanukkah, Happy Kwanzaa, Happy You Day...JUST BE HAPPY! Life is too short for sadness, grief, sorrow, aggravation, abuse, misery, anger, resentment~bring on the JOY!!!

A Single Tear

So it was the end of a really long day. I just wanted to go home and be annoyed by only two children instead of several hundred. As I was walking out the door, I noticed him sitting on the bench.
"Didn't your mom come yet?"
"No."
He is a handsome child, just 7. But you can tell he has been there, done that and will carry the heaviness of it for the rest of his life. Sweet-natured in spite of it all, loving, bright.
After much discussion and several phones calls to several non-working phone numbers, we decide it is very late-past dinner time by now- and the police have to be called.
I sat down next to him on the bench and pulled his slight frame over next to me. As I put my arm around him, the weight of what was coming next caused his head to drop and his shoulders to slump.
"Now, no one is in trouble, mom is probably just working late, but since we can't drive you home, we have to call the police."
He drew a deep breath and a single tear slid down his face and dropped on to my hand. It sent a ripple of anger, frustration, and fear through me-how could anybody hurt this amazing child beside me?
He never said a word. He put his head up, straightened his shoulders, gathered his stuff and went to stand by the door. When the police woman came to get him, he turned, gave me a small smile and waved the lollipop I had given him as a good bye. A second ripple shook me from head to toe~deep admiration for the little warrior as he walked out the door.