Ok, I have a confession...I LOVE Whole Foods. I go there like 4 times a year, and always for the same 3 reasons.
1. The Outrageous Cookie. Oatmeal, choc chips, raisins, cranberries, coconut~2 die 4.
2. The No Nut trail mix.
3. The hot food bar-wicked awesome and crazy expensive.
I spend about an hour and $10.00 every time I go-and I so happy! So why, you ask, do I only go there for those reasons and love it so much? Well, it involves my fantasy life...
You see, I drive in the parking lot, park my Chevy Cobalt, slip on my Old Navy flip flops and slide up to the front doors, past the beautiful fall flowers arranged just so. As soon as the doors slide open, my Fair Trade Fairy Godmother waves her organic magic wand over me and I grow six inches. My crazy gray hair becomes perfectly coiffed in a in a $40 barrette. The $1 flip flops become classic black pumps. Baggy Khaki shorts are now a "just tight enough" pencil skirt, white cotton T-shirt morphs into the perfect shade of pink light cashmere shell. My Cobalt becomes a Land Rover. Gucci shades and Blackberry in my Coach bag and I am ready to grocery shop after a long day of meeting with my editor about my next book.
Suddenly, price is no issue. It is all about "the health of my family" $5.00 /lb organic apples, fresh ground almond butter, cold pressed olive oil, free range chicken and no growth hormone milk. Grass Fed beef and stone ground corn tortilla chips and allergy-free everything. I contemplate the merits of dried pomegrante bits versus acai berries for my salad. Shall I buy the honey roasted almonds with cherries or the almond-chocolate-cherries-cranberries trail mix? It is on sale-2 bags for $10.00 -Oh-let's get both! Fresh squeezed juices and the aisle with all the choose your own nuts and beans and granolas! Dinner from the multi-national hot food bar tonight! Organic plant-based shampoo, hand made soap, Earth Shoes, Raw Diet protein bars...Amish butter and Wisconsin Cheeses and Costa Rican Coffee-OH MY!
I fill my cart with all kinds of good for me-good for small foreign nations-good for the Earth stuff, pull out my awesome recycled plastic bottle shopping bags and pack my groceries. I pay with my Black Centurion American Express and head for the doors, calling my retired professional sports playing husband to let him know I am headed home and he should pick up our 2.5 children from the delightfully diverse private school they attend. No help for us-we are "hands on" parents. As the doors slide open, the clock strikes ...
I emerge from the store into the bright FLA sunshine. I slip on my drug store shades, break off a piece of the best cookie I have ever eaten and slide behind the wheel of my trusty American car. I pull a store brand water bottle from the cooler I have prepared and go to watch my son play baseball on this glorious day. I am smiling, happy and content. Just the way a girl should feel after living a fantasy.
P.S. Do you think you can high from granola with Hemp? Just asking!
Sunday, November 1, 2009
Friday, August 14, 2009
If this is a mid life crisis where is my red Corvette?
So here it is Friday Night. I am wearing a $2 t-shirt from Wal-Mart and really ratty underwear. Playing Chicken Invaders 3 and listening to Toby Keith ask "How Do You Like Me Now? (oh just fine Mr.Keith, just fine ;) and watching a show on TLC about a flaming gay man addicted to rhinestones designing gowns for pageant queens in Oklahoma (yes-all at the same time-nothing wrong with a little adult on-set ADD). An empty box of Mike and Ike on the coffee table.
WOW
I know...right? I think it is awesome too!
I am really happy. I am-I mean it. Even though I sound like the chick version of the guy in the Brad Paisley song "So Much Cooler On Line". I am content. Even though I sit in a complete state of inertia. I can't move forward and I don't want to go backwards. There must be angst hidden there or I would not be prompted to write for the first time in months. Let's see...
Angst 1: I have been in contact will several old friends from high school or old jobs-Facebook of course-and it just makes me wonder. While I sit here in this little Fla town on the edge of the ocean, how does my life stack up? I have a job I love and really great kids~but no grand adventures, no tragic love stories, no...oommph...no.....well, you know. How many times can I pull out the old "I went to the Playboy Club" thing or "One time we went to the horse races and ended up in the Bahamas"? I have had a few brushes with odd people~the lesbian with the tambourine, the MySpace guy with the librarian fetish, the stalking of the Publix meat manager, the Australian Professional Wrestler~but nothing exciting. Nothing that will get me a drink in a bar or invited to dinner so I can retell the story. Sigh.
Angst 2: Secret Envy rules my subconscious these days. I am covetous of my teenage daughter and her freedom and exploration of life. God, high school was fun and awful and crazy and I am so happy she is doing it and not me. I am jealous that my friend is going back to school and getting OUR Leadership Degree. I am coveting her WRITING-stuff people actually want to read. I am even begrudging her the awkward and slightly painful relationship she just cut out of her life. Dude, this guy (while very nice-a real sweetheart) called her muffin and his underwear panties. He had to go but still, he was there in the first place. I am lusting after the new house she is going to buy~sure, the old house is slowly killing her with Chinese drywall, but she is getting A NEW ONE! I am totally envious of my best friend who is fostering a 1 year old and a 2 year old. She can't go anywhere or do anything,but she has little ones again!
Which leads me to...
Angst 3: I have lost my balls. I can't make a decision to save my life. I think I want more babies or NOT... I want a man and I want to be single. I want to buy a house and I want to travel with my dog, iPod, computer and not much else. I want my kids to go to college and I want them to stay with me forever. I want to stay here so I can take care of my Mom and I want to live in a tent on the edge of a jungle near the water all alone. I want to write a book and a blog people read and do it "anonymously" while people celebrate my wit and enormous vocabulary in the comments . I want to build libraries in Africa and I want to go buy a sleazy romance novel to read in my chair as a hot cabana boy brings me margaritas and sunscreen. I want to be a slug and I want to compete in sprint triathlons. Which leads me to...
THE ULTIMATE ANGST: I am sure this is a mid-life crisis. A man on a dating site asked me why -at 47- I called my self "middle-aged". He is 52 and all the people at the gym think his life is really just beginning-after dumping his first wife for a 22 year old personal trainer (OK-I added that part but you were thinking it and it is probably true). Why? Because no matter how you look at it, I am in the middle of my life. I have been through 3 phases and am getting ready for the rest. It ain't good or bad~it is reality.
If I were a guy, I would put on my "cool shirt"-polyester from 1977- throw on a few chains, go to the local hot spot in my penis-replacing red sports car, spend money like water, pick up a beautiful girl with daddy issues and start my life over. If I were a different woman, I would dye my hair, get contacts, drop 100 pounds, wear something that shows my boobs and cool shoes that make my legs look a mile long, go to the new local hot spot in my ball-replacing black "elegant" sports car, throw around money and pick up a beautiful boy with mommy issues and start my life over.
But I am me. Stuck on the precipice of the rest of my life-the next phase-my "new freedom". I don't know what I want and I don't know where I will go or how I will get there. But it will be OK. I have several career paths I can follow-or I can happily stay where I am for 20 more years and that would be OK too. I have friends who will push or pull me along on all their adventures and from time to time let me navigate the next road we take. I have kids who have SWORN they will put me in a really nice nursing home and pay for it. I even have a "half-son" who says I can sleep in his spare bedroom in the basement. It's all good...
But I really do want that Red Corvette~cause I look really good behind that wheel!
WOW
I know...right? I think it is awesome too!
I am really happy. I am-I mean it. Even though I sound like the chick version of the guy in the Brad Paisley song "So Much Cooler On Line". I am content. Even though I sit in a complete state of inertia. I can't move forward and I don't want to go backwards. There must be angst hidden there or I would not be prompted to write for the first time in months. Let's see...
Angst 1: I have been in contact will several old friends from high school or old jobs-Facebook of course-and it just makes me wonder. While I sit here in this little Fla town on the edge of the ocean, how does my life stack up? I have a job I love and really great kids~but no grand adventures, no tragic love stories, no...oommph...no.....well, you know. How many times can I pull out the old "I went to the Playboy Club" thing or "One time we went to the horse races and ended up in the Bahamas"? I have had a few brushes with odd people~the lesbian with the tambourine, the MySpace guy with the librarian fetish, the stalking of the Publix meat manager, the Australian Professional Wrestler~but nothing exciting. Nothing that will get me a drink in a bar or invited to dinner so I can retell the story. Sigh.
Angst 2: Secret Envy rules my subconscious these days. I am covetous of my teenage daughter and her freedom and exploration of life. God, high school was fun and awful and crazy and I am so happy she is doing it and not me. I am jealous that my friend is going back to school and getting OUR Leadership Degree. I am coveting her WRITING-stuff people actually want to read. I am even begrudging her the awkward and slightly painful relationship she just cut out of her life. Dude, this guy (while very nice-a real sweetheart) called her muffin and his underwear panties. He had to go but still, he was there in the first place. I am lusting after the new house she is going to buy~sure, the old house is slowly killing her with Chinese drywall, but she is getting A NEW ONE! I am totally envious of my best friend who is fostering a 1 year old and a 2 year old. She can't go anywhere or do anything,but she has little ones again!
Which leads me to...
Angst 3: I have lost my balls. I can't make a decision to save my life. I think I want more babies or NOT... I want a man and I want to be single. I want to buy a house and I want to travel with my dog, iPod, computer and not much else. I want my kids to go to college and I want them to stay with me forever. I want to stay here so I can take care of my Mom and I want to live in a tent on the edge of a jungle near the water all alone. I want to write a book and a blog people read and do it "anonymously" while people celebrate my wit and enormous vocabulary in the comments . I want to build libraries in Africa and I want to go buy a sleazy romance novel to read in my chair as a hot cabana boy brings me margaritas and sunscreen. I want to be a slug and I want to compete in sprint triathlons. Which leads me to...
THE ULTIMATE ANGST: I am sure this is a mid-life crisis. A man on a dating site asked me why -at 47- I called my self "middle-aged". He is 52 and all the people at the gym think his life is really just beginning-after dumping his first wife for a 22 year old personal trainer (OK-I added that part but you were thinking it and it is probably true). Why? Because no matter how you look at it, I am in the middle of my life. I have been through 3 phases and am getting ready for the rest. It ain't good or bad~it is reality.
If I were a guy, I would put on my "cool shirt"-polyester from 1977- throw on a few chains, go to the local hot spot in my penis-replacing red sports car, spend money like water, pick up a beautiful girl with daddy issues and start my life over. If I were a different woman, I would dye my hair, get contacts, drop 100 pounds, wear something that shows my boobs and cool shoes that make my legs look a mile long, go to the new local hot spot in my ball-replacing black "elegant" sports car, throw around money and pick up a beautiful boy with mommy issues and start my life over.
But I am me. Stuck on the precipice of the rest of my life-the next phase-my "new freedom". I don't know what I want and I don't know where I will go or how I will get there. But it will be OK. I have several career paths I can follow-or I can happily stay where I am for 20 more years and that would be OK too. I have friends who will push or pull me along on all their adventures and from time to time let me navigate the next road we take. I have kids who have SWORN they will put me in a really nice nursing home and pay for it. I even have a "half-son" who says I can sleep in his spare bedroom in the basement. It's all good...
But I really do want that Red Corvette~cause I look really good behind that wheel!
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Stripped Down
weekend wordsmith
Sometimes
I want to be rid of this uniform of conformity
Sometimes
I want to be naked and bare to the world
Sometimes
I don't want to be Mom and responsible for other people
Sometimes
I don't want to go to work and care about other people's children
Sometimes
I don't want to play nice with the stupid narcissistic people
Sometimes
I just want to be me and do what makes me happy
Stripped down
To music and french fries
Diet Coke and the Beach and a book
Sometimes
I realize those feelings
Make me one of the stupid narcissistic people
And I put my uniform back on
And smile
Thursday, May 7, 2009
Fear
I don't get it. On paper, I have the best life ever. I have INCREDIBLE (yes, they are cap worthy) kids, unbelievably awesome friends, the best colleagues a working person could ever have. And yet, I am stymied. I can't move forward. Why? Is is fear of failure? No...I don't think so, I fail all the time. I am not afraid to speak my mind, I have great ideas. I do possess a little jealousy~sometimes I look around and think "I could do that". I could be a writer, a world famous blogger, an expert on something, get my Ed Leadership Masters and be a catalyst of change at the District level. I could eat better, exercise more~I CAN complete that sprint triathlon I keep yapping about, I know it~ so why aren't I doing any of those things? Is it fear of failure? No~I think it boils down to fear of success.
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
Express Written Consent
Today
I signed a contract
Not
really legally
But
in my soul quietly
I
agreed I matter
And
I put it in writing
I signed a contract
Not
really legally
But
in my soul quietly
I
agreed I matter
And
I put it in writing
Saturday, February 14, 2009
The Bulllet
for weekendwoedsmith
The Bullet didn't just take the life
of the President
It took the Future
It took the Healing
The Bullet didn't just take the life
of the Reverend
It took the Faith
It took the Dream
The Bullet didn't just take the life
of the President
It took the Well-being
It took the Hope
The Bullet didn't just take the life
of the Broken Man
It took the children
It took the families
The Bullet still takes the lives
of the Innocent People
It mocks the Reward for its capture
It is in control
The Bullet thinks it is all powerful
Destroying our Future, Healing, Faith, Dreams, Well-being, Hope, Children and Families
For all its Destruction, Pain, Heartache, Death, Agony, Misery, Suffering and Turmoil
It is not in charge
We hold the gun
The Bullet never works alone
The Bullet didn't just take the life
of the President
It took the Future
It took the Healing
The Bullet didn't just take the life
of the Reverend
It took the Faith
It took the Dream
The Bullet didn't just take the life
of the President
It took the Well-being
It took the Hope
The Bullet didn't just take the life
of the Broken Man
It took the children
It took the families
The Bullet still takes the lives
of the Innocent People
It mocks the Reward for its capture
It is in control
The Bullet thinks it is all powerful
Destroying our Future, Healing, Faith, Dreams, Well-being, Hope, Children and Families
For all its Destruction, Pain, Heartache, Death, Agony, Misery, Suffering and Turmoil
It is not in charge
We hold the gun
The Bullet never works alone
VD SUCKS*
So, I was gonna write a (hopefully humorous) post about being single and old and BAH HUMBUG VALENTINE"S DAY. I sat down with my yogurt and bagel and OJ (No diet Coke-that explains the headache-just a sec) Ah, much better! Wait! Mom is calling from KY-I'll be back!
OK, now to get to get me in the mood to write, I sat down and fired up the Google Reader, read LettersSpellLove and felt perspective creeping in. OK, so now I need funny to get that perspective monkey off my back~went to loraleeslooneytunes hoping to laugh~that girl is sooooo funny! and got hit with a perspective brick right in the face. Today she wrote about Redneck Mommy and the new man in her life. Her Family has adopted a wonderful 5 year old with special needs. Talk about a Valentine! To celebrate, the blogger world is throwing her a Redneck Shower. All we have to do is write about You know you're a redneck mommy when...so read the next post, please :)
and I will still write a BAH Humbug Valentine's Day post...as soon as I shower all this Redneck Love off me.
*GROSS!! you thought I was writing about VENEREAL DISEASE???
(hair toss/eye roll)....don't you think I would have told you if I had VD? Aren't we friends?? I tell you everything 'cause like...who's gonna know what I tell you here on my blog?. What secrets are you keeping from me?? It's like we hardly know each other. I have to go rethink our whole internet friendship now...excuse me while I go text my real friends...GAWD! WHATEVER!
OK, now to get to get me in the mood to write, I sat down and fired up the Google Reader, read LettersSpellLove and felt perspective creeping in. OK, so now I need funny to get that perspective monkey off my back~went to loraleeslooneytunes hoping to laugh~that girl is sooooo funny! and got hit with a perspective brick right in the face. Today she wrote about Redneck Mommy and the new man in her life. Her Family has adopted a wonderful 5 year old with special needs. Talk about a Valentine! To celebrate, the blogger world is throwing her a Redneck Shower. All we have to do is write about You know you're a redneck mommy when...so read the next post, please :)
and I will still write a BAH Humbug Valentine's Day post...as soon as I shower all this Redneck Love off me.
*GROSS!! you thought I was writing about VENEREAL DISEASE???
(hair toss/eye roll)....don't you think I would have told you if I had VD? Aren't we friends?? I tell you everything 'cause like...who's gonna know what I tell you here on my blog?. What secrets are you keeping from me?? It's like we hardly know each other. I have to go rethink our whole internet friendship now...excuse me while I go text my real friends...GAWD! WHATEVER!
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